Blog Title 10

So in the past week, a bunch of interesting things have happened. But none of that really matters compared to me finally getting one of my 2 best friends back. You see, X (well call him X), Alex and I are like a trifecta. Of evil, and hatred, and humor. But mainly evil. Anyway, he had this terrible evil, twofaced, lying bitch of a girlfriend that everyone hated and we tried to steer him clear of her after their first breakup (which lasted a month), but he yelled at us, and he and his succubus drifted away from us for a long time. Recently he found out how much of a lying whore she really was and they broke up, and he apologized to us for some thigns, and we apologized for some things, and now everything is ok. We have our good friend back, hes changed a little, but its still him deep down. We've been hanging out a lot, and now hes back in with us and i havent been happier in a long long time.

Thanks God.

My Father's Gradual Descent Into a Life He Never Meant.

2 nights ago I met up with my friends Mike, Alex, Kenzie, Katelyn, and Jake at Bellacinos (where Katelyn works).



(From Left) Mike, Nick, Alex, Me


We got some pizza and headed to Denny's, and everyone got coffee and water, and we just sat and talked for a while, as was tradition. We talked about the Av's game, about life, and about my friends suspicions of my supposed homosexuality. After a few hours at Denny's we left to take Jake, Kenzie and Katelyn home, and went back to my house. We went to the basement and played some music, then left to go to 7-11. I got a new energy drink called Venom, it was quite good. We returned to my home and again filed into the basement. We decided that we would watch the movie Garden State, so we put that on. After about 20 minutes of watching it we paused and I got something to drink and we started talking again. We got on the subject of my father somehow. I explained to Mike what happened with my father, all of which my best friend Alex already knew.

My father and mother got divorced in 2003, my father initiated it but would still affirm that it was my mothers decision (I always thought it was my mother's idea until last year). My mother had cheated on my father for quite sometime with her current (well, now ex as of 3 weeks ago) boyfriend. Of course, my father didn't really take the break up well, and fell into a deep depression. He would constantly bring up what my mother had done to him. He was always bitter about it, and I don't blame him. At one point I found lines of cocaine in his bedroom. That kind of messed my head up really bad, and has permanently changed the way I viewed him. He also has multiple sclerosis, and his motor function has slightly diminished. His feet are numb now, and he can't bowl anymore. He used to win trophies all of the time, averaging 200+ consistently. His fingers are also numb, and he can't play guitar as well as he used to either. My God could he play, so well, so beautifully. My father now has a girlfriend I don't much like. I suppose she could be described as unsavory, but I prefer to just call her a crackwhore. She swears a fair deal, and is an alcoholic. Clearly not the type of influence a depressed cokehead needs, my father also turned to alcoholism. He began to speak less eloquently, and this was terrible to experience as to this day I think my father is the most intelligent man I have ever met. He could have moved mountains with his vocabulary, that's how massive it was. Anyway, he hasn't paid child support for my brother and I for probably 4 years now, and he hasn't been there for us either. I mean, sure, I would spend the occasional weekend at his house, but it wasn't a regular occurrence. Last October, I found out that he had cashed in approximately $40,000 of me and my brother's college fund. I had $800 dollars left for 4 years of college. This is the impetus of me cutting contact with him for 7 months. I was inspired by love to see him again in May. Mind you it wasn't love for my father, but for my lover and future girlfriend; I was driving back toward home from seeing her, and I drove through a row of beautiful crimson and orange leafed trees, aflame with the light of the sun shining through them. The emotion I felt in those brief moments sticks with me to this day. It was love of life. I have long since lost that emotion, and that girlfriend, but that is a story for a future blog. My father and I sometimes correspond via email, but that isn't personal, nor often.

Now that you have that background, I can continue explaining my evening. We talked more about my father, and Alex continued to argue with me (as he always does, he takes great pleasure in attempting to, and often times, making me concede to the validity of his point) about how I should get over everything my father has done. He argued, he contested, and he assured, and he preempted everything he said with "Not to be a dick but...", which was more or less his way of saying "I'm about to be a dick". It came down to him just telling me that I was "A crybaby" about things with my dad. This was the first time I had ever just looked at Alex and thought, "Wow, you can funk off." I stood up and said "Ok, well I guess I love my dad now", and I walked upstairs.

I went to the bathroom with the intent of urinating, but when I got into the bathroom I kind of just stood in front of the mirror, staring at myself. I couldn't help what was about to happen, and I knew what was coming. I sat down on the toilet and just started crying. Not bawling, but silently mourning. I thought about how great of a man my father used to be, and how much I looked upto him. He was my greatest hero. I loved that man so much, he was who I looked forward to being like. I sat and cried and stared at the rug in my bathroom for a good 10 minutes before I left and walked back downstairs. Slowly, almost as if deliberately, but it was more as if I was fatigued, like a great weight was on my shoulders. I walked into the room they were in and Alex and mike just stared at me. Alex goes "Hows it going buddy?" I just shook my head, tears still streaming down my face. "I miss my dad" I managed to whimper. Alex got up and hugged me, he wasn't really bummed, it was as if he had expected it and was happy, it was strange. Mike gave me a pat too, and told me it would be ok. I sat next to Mike, slumped against the wall, and then I started bawling. I cried and cried and told them how much I loved who my dad used to be, and how much he'd changed. I told them how he was my idol, and how great he was. It was as if I hated him for changing, for destroying himself and my image of him. He had fallen from greatness, and now I look on the wretched thing he is and I just get angry and sad. I told them "I guess... I guess I just forced myself to hate what he has become, because it made it easier on me."

They suggested I spend time with my dad and reconcile while hes still alive. It seemed like a sound suggestion, I just don't know if I can do it. I guess I can try. He also suggested I sleep more, and try to be happy about things. I'm terribly depressed right now in my life, it might be noticeable on the surface, they say it is but I don't know.

That was the first time I have cried in months, and I don't do it often. I'm a miserable person, and aware of it. I hate it, but can't help it. I wake up in the morning, often wishing I had died in my sleep.

After that we talked a bit more, and watched the rest of Garden State. It was good. The soundtrack was amazing.




...so I thought I'd better tell you, before I leave.




"I go to bed real early
Everybody thinks it's strange
I get up early in the morning
No matter how disappointed i was
With the day before
It feels new

I don't leave the house much
I don't like being around people
Makes me nervous and weird
I don't like going to shows either
It's better for me to stay home
Some might think it means i hate people
But that's not quite right

I do some stupid things
But my heart's in the right place
And this i know

I got a dog
I take him for a walk
And all the people like to say hello
I'm used to staring down at the sidewalk cracks
I'm learning how to say hello
Without too much trouble

I'm turning out just like my father
Though i swore i never would
Now i can say that i have a love for him
I never really understood
What it must have been like for him
Living inside his head

I feel like he's here with me now
Even though he's dead

It's not all good and it's not all bad
Don't believe everything you read
I'm the only one who knows what it's like
So i though i'd better tell you
Before i leave

So in the end i'd like to say
That i'm a very thankful man
I tried to make the most of my situations
And enjoy what i had
I knew true love and i knew passion
And the difference between the two
And i had some regrets
But if i had to do it all again
Well, it's something i'd like to do"

Blog Title 8

Without any pretext, this picture would be difficult to decipher. But if I were to title it "Buddhist Monk Burns Himself to Death in Protest of persecution of fellow Buddhists by South Vietnamese Ngo Dihn Diem Regime" then your view of an already moving picture would change drastically. This man was so zealous and opposed to the persecution of his brethren that he went to a busy intersection, doused himself in gasoline, and lit himself on fire. This picture is the visual manifestation of the word determination. The monk is still kneeling, still focused even as his skin melts and his bones are charred. Every single nerve in his body is sending impulses to his brain, urging him to do something, to save himself. Mind prevails over matter, willpower is the ultimate human feat. This picture won a pulitzer for how iconic, and how moving it really is. This picture has such an effect on us because humans know fire, they know the feeling and the heat associated, and to see a man engulfed in flame is far different than thinking about a person on fire. This man is not only engulfed in flame, but this is quite possibly the most serene looking person I have ever seen. The look of just sheer tranquility about him is intense.

This is one of the most moving pictures I have ever seen.

Blog Title 7

My writing as a whole has probably improved at least slightly this semester so far. In my opinion it has actually improved a fair amount. I have gotten much better at writing introduction paragraphs, as well as narrowing my focus and supporting my claims. I find myself struggling with laziness often, mainly because of my view on school and the world. I could write a 3 page paper that takes me 2 hours and nets me a B or a C, or I could write a 3 page paper that takes me 5 hours and get an A. Over 200% increase in effort for 10% increase in grade. I suppose it's my terrible habit of procrastinating, as well as my hectic schedule that gives me an extremely limited time to write papers. When I do actually sit down to write papers I end up being completely drained, as it's usually like 4 a.m. before I'm even done. This has led to me missing class on a Wednesday twice :( I sit down at around 1 to write a paper and don't finish until 4, then I'm too exhausted and don't end up waking up in time for class Wednesday, which is when its due, thus defeating the point of even doing it Tuesday night. I think my weakness is mainly in my work ethic, and less so in my writing. I've always struggled with the problem of just coasting along, and getting by. I mean, it's done me well so far... but this isn't high school or middle school. Not only that, but for some reason now I have a drive to write a good paper, not just a paper that will give me a passing grade, but a GOOD paper. Something I can hold onto and be proud of, not just throw away like every other paper I've ever gotten back(I had a hard time doing a portfolio in high school because I didn't save any of my work). When it comes to my work, I really need to work on the flow of my paragraphs. I understand what point I'm trying to make, and how I'm linking the paragraphs, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the reader knows what I'm thinking. I should plan ahead more often when it comes to the blending of my ideas, and the strength of my linking phrases and words.

Overall I have much more to do to improve my writing, and I'm confident in the fact that my writing will continue to improve, and that I will produce a work of quality that I can be proud of. It's time to (attempt to) turn over a new leaf.

Blog Title 6

Me, and my Brother hiking.
Me, and my Brother might find a turtle.
We'll just have some fun.

Me, and my Brother playing with our dog;
two mighty men with a wolf,
who drinks from the gulf.

Cool, calm water will bring back our voice to Mother.

I fell down in a creek bed.
Brother wept.
In his face I met fear;
that I could die right there.
But I climbed right out.

Now I've grown bold, and lonely.
I should have stayed with dear Brother at home,
But we grew up old...



Last night I saw Minus the Bear, at the majestic. The show itself was fantastic, with the bands Themes and Annuals opening up for MTB. Themes was kind of a Portugal. The Man-esque indie band with some amazing vocals and simple but really effective guitar riffs. The second band was a really interesting six piece indie art rock band called Annuals. They all came on stage one at a time and and immediately the ambient, natural, wilderness noises started. Sounds you would associate with the outdoors but you can't really classify because you dont hear running water or blowing leaves, just the sensation of being in nature, standing in a forest in the upper peninsula. Ambient pinch harmonics and muffled ride and crash symbols slowly and softly hit, music wasn't blasting from the stage, rather, oozing, flowing like a babbling brook. Music wafted through the air as the pianist began to match the ambient noises of the lead guitar. The rhythm guitar kicked in, and the main vocalist began to play his keyboard. What I heard was the Rocky Mountains, the river valley below, and the forest beyond. The drummer kicked up the tempo suddenly, and thus began one of the most epic jam sessions I've ever witnessed live. The ambient and earthy pinch harmonics of the lead guitarists hollow body changed into quicker, more technical pinch harmonics. They maintained every ounce of emotion and ambience, but the speed and variety increased. He was more or less soloing, but barely tapping his guitar. The pianist stopped playing nature sounds and the soft, but ordered, sound of chords took over. The drummer slammed the crash and the bassist and rhythm guitarists dove into the melodic pool. The lead singer let out a wail, like a mountain wind blowing down, cold but emotional, effective, similar to Conor Oberst (THANKS ANG) when he screams, and howls. Annuals played 7 songs, but they all flowed into one another, like tributaries meeting larger creeks and rivers. They can't compare to MTB yet, but they are a band to watch out for if u like ambient indie art rock (which you better if you're at a Minus the Bear concert).

Here is a video for the song they opened with (the one I described):







http://www.myspace.com/themesthemesthemes
http://www.myspace.com/annuals
http://www.myspace.com/minusthebear

Blog Title 5

So it has been quite a while since i wrote a blog. I've been swamped with everything lately, work, school, just, insanity. Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me sane is music. And modest mouse and death cab always seem to hit the right nerve. I've been enjoying my philosophy class a lot lately, im especially interested in St. Anselm's ontological argument for the existence of God.

More or less Anselm states that we understand god to be the greatest possible being.

Since something is greater if it exists in real life instead of just the understanding, and since god is the greatest of all possible beings, then god MUST exist not only in the understanding but also in the real. Its an interesting argument.

Blog Title 4

Well, it's sunday night, and I need a blog to write. Why not write about life?

My good friend Sarah was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance today. She was having chest pains, ever since last night at like 3 a.m. (we were at dennys with my other friend alex). she had about 5 cups of coffee at dennys. anyway, she woke up for work at 9, with her chest still hurting, and eventually it got worse and worse. She started hyperventilating and her face and arms went numb. An ambulance was called by her boss. I visted her in the ER, shes alright. The chest xray, ekg, and blood pressure were all fine. The doctor told her to relax, no more coffee, and if the pain persists to come back and they would run more tests.

This is scary, but i wasn't actually afraid. I was... interested. I was excited to see her in the hospital, not fearful that she might die. The thought seemed ludicrous to me, so i discredited it. It WAS realistic though. Death doesnt frighten me, and it should.

I like the fact i dont worry about death though. It's inevitable. Breathe in, breathe out. You are closer to dying.



last five tracks:

Modest Mouse - Ocean Breathes Salty

Immortal Technique - The Cause of Death

Bear Vs. Shark - 5, 6 kids

MGMT - Electric Feel (UK radio edit)